TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have another place exactly where American Guys can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: present All people a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially Trump Tower Damascus referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head visible from House, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after locating the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting notice from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have convert-down company."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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